I Want To Be Where You Are
by omgimwritingfanfics
Summary: Haru fulfills a promise to Rin, and finds himself breaking.


Warning. Angst. Sadness. This site is messing up my format and that is really making me angry.

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The sun was well into its setting when Haru arrived at the grave that overlooked the sea.

The salty breeze wove through his hair, sending it into his eyes. The site was secluded and quiet—Rin's family had chosen a good place for Rin's father. He himself wouldn't mind being buried in a place like this, rather than in a graveyard choked up with bodies, and not a body of water in sight.

His hand slipped into his pocket and clenched the paper there.

Rin had been badgering him for a while now for Haru to introduce himself to his father, but whenever they visited the grave together Haru found himself clamming up despite his muttered promises. There was nothing to say, anyway, Rin did it all for him. Rin had always been better at finding words to express his thoughts.

Last night he hadn't been able to sleep. Tossing and turning, he found his mind bent on the thought of how Rin had wanted for him to actually talk, instead of doing the customary bow and being his silent shadow when they visited. So he had gotten up quietly, found some scrap paper and pencil, and wrote a clumsy letter that took the entire night and all that remained of his energy. For the rest of the day he had sat vacantly in a bath that had long since gone cold.

He stared at the marble pillar expressionlessly, debating whether or not to stay. Finally, grinding his teeth almost imperceptibly, he took out the letter and smoothed it. Rin had no problems talking to a gravestone. _If Rin were here, this would go much more smoothly._

But Haru owed this much to him, after all.

"Matsuoka-san," he said, pointedly bowing toward the pillar. "You may know me as Haru, or Haru-chan. Rin thinks he's being funny."

Inwardly cringing at his awkward words, Haru forged ahead. "I promised your son—Rin—that I would talk to you, so here I am."

He coughed. _This is necessary_, he reminded himself. _Just do it for Rin, alright?_

He suddenly felt as if Rin's father was looming over him, judging his worthiness, and cleared his throat again. Holding the paper with stiffened hands, he started to read.

"I first met Rin at a swim meet, when we were in elementary school."

* * *

'_You're really fast. Are you really a grade-schooler?_'

* * *

Haru stared at his handwriting, a messy scrawl where it was usually immaculate. Rin had pointed that out to him, too. _Another one of your perfections, eh?_

"I have to confess, I first thought him annoying. After that first swim meet we met at, he was always around, coming up after races and talking about winning and trying harder and all the things that I didn't really care about. At that age all I wanted from swimming was to feel the water. That much hasn't changed even now."

* * *

'_They called him Matsuoka-kun, from Sano SC_.'

* * *

"When he transferred to Iwatobi, he gave what must have been the most enthusiastic introduction I've seen. All my life I had found it irritating that I had a girl's name, and here he was, throwing it around like he didn't even care. He probably didn't."

Haru sighed and looked out over the horizon, the last of the golden sunlight like a comforting hand on his cheek. "He was full of ambition. He wanted to be like you."

* * *

'_I want…to be an Olympic swimmer_.'

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"He wouldn't stop talking about winning. He was the one who forced us into the medley, to recreate the race you had been in at our age. And in doing that, he showed me the sight…

"And then he left for Australia. Right after he showed us all how great we were together as a team. I hated him for that."

Haru was aware he had begun to deviate from his letter, but the words were tumbling from him into the ocean air. _How did this happen?_

"In middle school he came back. I can't describe how I felt when I saw him at the train crossing, but all he did was glare and challenge me to a race. I should have known something was up. The Rin I knew wasn't like that." _Why am I telling this to his dad?_

* * *

'_I'll stop swimming_.'

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"When I beat him, he said he would stop swimming. I didn't know what to do. After he left, I quit swimming too. For him. And three solid years later I found out it wasn't even my fault in the first place, and our 'fight' was just born from a huge misunderstanding and my inability to reach out to him. I just let him go. I'm sorry, Matsuoka-san," he added. "I hurt him and by not trying to communicate I hurt him even more."

* * *

'_It wasn't your fault, Haru. Tch, you're such an idiot_.'

* * *

Haru glanced down at his letter again. "These aren't empty words," he read. "Rin is one of the most passionate people I know. He's full of fire, of energy, of—" the words caught in Haru's throat and he coughed. "He finds a goal and does everything in his power to work toward it. He's disciplined, confident and always aims higher than what he wants to achieve. He's…he's really something else.

"He always brought out a different side of me.

"I never wanted to realise that, at first, but I began to realise whenever I swam with him I stopped focusing on my own selfish wishes. I took notice of the people around me, who believed in me. He made me see that I was never alone. He made me appreciate _life_…

"When I swam with him, I could share in his energy, his aggression, his push to be better than the best…he brought me along tumbling in his wake. Swimming with Rin was an experience in itself. I'll never forget that feeling." Haru had stopped reading the letter again, and was just letting his voice carry on his emotions. "When he came back and challenged me after being away for so long, I could feel it inside me." Haru closed his eyes. "Was it then I realised?"

Was it strange, to say this to Rin's father? Haru knew he would never be able to say this to even Makoto's face. Within him, he felt a deep, pressing need to just voice how important Rin was to him, how precious, how much he loved him. _Why could I never say this to Rin's face?_ Why was it only now, standing in front of a gravestone before the sea, he could?

* * *

'_You showed me the best sight I could ask for._'

* * *

'_Aren't we friends again? Then why are you acting so distant? Jeez, you really piss me off.'_

* * *

_ 'Haru, what are you—mmph!'_

* * *

_'I…'_

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_'I love your eyes. I love your mouth. I love your voice. I love the feel of you. I love how you think. I love the way you smile.'_

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_'I love you.'_

* * *

_ 'I love you.'_

* * *

_ 'I love you.'_

* * *

Dimly, Haru was aware that the sun had reached its last blazing moments in the sky. The breeze was growing cooler and stronger, tugging at his hair and the letter clutched between his fingers.

A gust of wind tore the paper from his grasp, sending it spinning, fluttering into the distance. He watched as the wind took his words away from him, until they became a distant speck in the fire-stained sky.

He chuckled dryly. "What would I do without him?"

And he turned away from Rin's father's grave, going to the one opposite it. The tears that always refused to come, when he heard the news of the out of control car, at the funeral, the cold emptiness in his bed, now had fought their way free of their restraints and were overflowing, pouring down his face and splashing on the dusty ground. He laid a shaking palm on the marble's unyielding surface, and felt a sob rack his whole being.

"What am I going to do without you?"

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Argh the formatting of this did not go the way I wanted it to. I'm sorry if the page breaks hurt your eyes, it was the closest I could get.

I'm scared Haru's OOC. It was pretty hard writing this, considering how Haru barely talks and only when Rin's involved he really opens up (hurray for shoujo cherry blossom tree scene).

(Also in case you're confused about Rin, the answer is in the second last paragraph.)

I love you guys for reading! Please drop a comment to tell me how you felt about the oneshot, or anything I could improve in my writing c:


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